The next phase

In my early years, fear was my motivator. Fear of failing, fear of being alone, fear of being with the wrong person, fear of disappointing my parents, fear of getting hurt. Everything I did came from fear. It's a sucky way to live.

I recently realized that I no longer operate that way. Now my motivator is guilt. Guilt that I am not working hard enough. Guilt that I am working too hard and not spending enough time with the kids. Guilt that I am neglecting my partner's needs. Guilt that I neglected myself for so long. Guilt that I wasted all that time in my early adulthood being afraid of stuff instead of doing something cool. This is not a much better way to live, but at least I get shit done now.

I recognize that this state is temporary. Everything I feel guilty about will no longer be an issue someday. What will motivate me then?

I'm hoping for joy.

Just look at what you're missing

A random thought hit me the other day: It's reasonably likely that I am, to one person at least, the girl who got away.

Not that I think myself a catch. This thought was part of a larger one: Odds are, everyone is "the one that got away" to someone.

This thought occurred to me as I was driving home with two screaming children in the back seat. It was 7 o'clock on a Saturday night, and most of the cars on the road were heading toward the city. Going out for the night. My plans consisted of baths, stories, and bed. I was hoping we'd all be asleep by 9.

I then wondered if this hypothetical person would still feel that way, seeing me coated in sticky toddler hand prints and baby puke.

Probably not. But it gave me a good laugh just when I really needed one.

Becoming a "good enough"ist

Gretchen Rubin advises not to let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I'm a perfectionist from birth (I am an editor, after all), so this is hard for me. But I get what she's saying. Doing something, even if it's not everything you'd hoped it would be, is better than letting your perfectionism keep you from doing anything at all.

The reason my books haven't gotten anywhere: They keep turning into chick lit, and I don't want to be a chick lit author. So I stop writing. Meanwhile, my best friend is making money from his writing. Sure, it's not his dream gig -- he's selling smut on Amazon. But at least he's being read. (And getting paid!)

The reason this blog isn't getting anywhere: I keep waiting for a topic idea (not an issue) and the time to write it (um...) and also time to polish the writing into something I'm proud of (ahahahaha). Ultimately, I don't end up posting anything.

I've been applying the "good enough" approach to other areas of my life. I am learning to live with a house that looks clean on the surface. (If a door is shut, please don't open it.) I'm okay with doing some form of exercise most days, meditating almost every day (even when I fall asleep doing it), and having well-rounded family dinners often. I should cut myself some slack in other areas. Like this blog.

I follow all manner of creative people on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. I like seeing how their minds work -- what they're doing, reading, making. It's inspiring to me. I don't want to be the person who works all day, watches TV all night, cleans all weekend, and never creates anything. But I have something most of them don't: Small children. Who also want a piece of me. And they come first.

Still, I want to do something. So I am going to try to post M-F, even if it's just a thought or a photo. Expect a rocky start; I've got a ton of freelancing work at the moment, and am also trying to get some other plates spinning (minor things like regular exercise and adequate sleep). I've queued up a few ideas to get the ball rolling.