Another cop-out post

Fair warning: This week may be full of 'em. And not just because I am in deep emotional denial about the past week.

So you don't leave empty handed, here's a cute pic of Kai flirting with his reflection at the doctor's office today.

They had quite the conversation.

Also, a fun tip: You can calm a restless baby, and keep a napping one asleep, with the smell of Mom. I am currently dashing this off while he naps clutching a sock damped with mama milk.

The things you do as a parent.

I meant to write a blog post this weekend

But life happened. I did bake some mini pumpkin pies, though.

I think whole pies would be less trouble, though these sure are cute.

Kai's first road trip

(I have things to say about my grandmother, but I am not ready to deal with them yet. Later.)

Something that kind of got lost in the shuffle was that this was Kai's first road trip. And I think he dealt with it beautifully. Certainly better than Anya on her first trip.

He was quite the hugabug, as you can see.

He slept the whole way up, only waking when we stopped. His appetite was amazing; I'd brought pouch foods for convenience, though he'd never had them and isn't that big of a solids eater, because he tends to get jealous if we're eating and he's not. Kiddo chowed down; he went through almost everything I brought! Which is good, because without my usual galactagogue ritual, I was a little low on milk.

Where's my plate?

He also dealt well with being fawned over and held by strangers. He can be a little shy, but so long as I stayed close, he went to whoever wanted to hold him. Nor did he cry during the funeral; he started babbling just as the preacher started talking, but that was just to let me know he wanted to go upstairs to nurse and nap.

It was kind of a common theme.

After the funeral, we took the kids to the park; it was a beautiful fall day. Anya got to run some of her wiggles off, Mom caught up with an old friend, and I got to introduce Kai to one of my favorite places to play as a kid.

He's not sure about the merry-go-round.

I thought the hotel room would be an issue, with its lack of babyproofing, Netflix, and a bathtub, but he seemed to enjoy the stay.

He really enjoyed bathing in the sink!

He didn't think much of the couch, apparently; he spit up on that thing three times in the first half-hour we were there. Luckily, it doesn't appear to have caused lasting damage.

Dear Hampton Inn: There is something about your couch that makes my son puke. My apologies. It looks like a perfectly nice couch to me.

— Nicole (@nmb74) October 20, 2015

The only part of the trip that was unpleasant for him, in fact, was the drive home; he was having teething pains and wanted to be held, which of course was not possible. But even then, the fussing was not unbearable; he would cry softly for a bit, then nod off until the next stop.

Obviously he enjoyed the stops themselves.

 R remarked when we got home that it had been a really good trip. And it was. The circumstances were not ideal, but we had a nice visit, great weather, good food, and a lot of fun. Not bad at all for Kai's first trip. I hope the rest of them go this well!

Once again, I overestimated myself

Or perhaps I simply underestimated how tiring having kids is. I'd meant to write a blog entry when we got back from Illinois last night. Instead, I showered, settled into bed to nurse Kai and watch Reading Rainbow with Anya, and passed out cold. Nor did I manage to get up early this morning; I got up just in time to make a cuppa and start work.

Mea culpa. I'll do better next week.

NaNoWriYo

I'm writing a new novel. (Yes, I realize I have yet to finish the first two.) It's a slow novel. Right now I only have two paragraphs. And I have no idea what it's going to be about, who the characters are, if there will be a plot...none of that is decided, or even much thought about. But I have decided to write a paragraph a day until I figure it out. And then keep going until it's finished. Whenever that is.

I sense that it's going to be a long story, though, so I call it a novel.

Actually, right now I'm calling it "buncha words," because I am a master of pithy titles.

There is no way, given my current schedule, that I can participate in NaNoWriMo. In retrospect, I really wish I'd done it before I had kids; I had crazy free time then. But I didn't, and now I can't. Perhaps when the littles are more self-sufficient, I will attempt it. But this is not the year to try to write a novel in a month.

A novel in a year, however, is doable. That's like 140 words per day. Granted, my paragraphs are a bit short starting out, but I tend to ramble more the longer I write. I'll catch up.

So I have declared NaNoWriYo. (Should be NaNoWriYe, but Yo flows better.) I don't have a ton of time to write (or pee, eat, breathe), but surely I can squeeze in 140 words a day. And who knows? I might even finish a novel this way.

The only thing that stays the same

As I type this, my grandmother is dying. My last living grandparent. I don't know how to feel about that, about her. We are not close. Probably never could have been. I am sad for so many reasons that don't really involve her. Which feels, let's be honest, really shitty. I try not to be shitty, but I also try not to lie.

I do feel bad for my dad, though. That's his mom. He lost his stepdad not quite a year ago, right before his birthday. Before that, the last person he lost was his father, back when he was about Anya's age. That's a long, long time to go between losses. I can't imagine what he must be feeling right now.

I haven't gone so long. I've gotten better about dealing with pain, but pain comes in all sorts of varieties, and they all must be dealt with. Mine doesn't feel as important as his, so I will set mine aside for now and do what I need to do for him. I can deal with me later.

In recent months, my grandparents' home was demolished. I can't even imagine how that must feel for Dad. I know it guts me, and I never lived there. But it's been a part of my life since I've had a life to be a part of. It was a touchstone, a constant, in a life that hasn't offered much in the way of either. And it's gone now. I was dreading seeing it already, but now I know that I will most likely see it in the context of my grandmother's funeral, and it's almost more than I can bear to think about. In the space of a year, they and all that they worked for in this life are just...gone.

Loss is a part of life. I know the drill by now. But I am sad. And I wanted to take a moment to just feel that sadness before I go on with my day. I know from past experience that I won't get much opportunity for quiet reflection later on, and if I don't feel these things in the moment, they will blindside me later, when I am least expecting it.

Edit: I just learned that she passed this morning. I still don't know how to feel. But I don't have much time to worry about that right now, because I need to prepare for a road trip. 

Sometimes, things just go right

Anya's ENT visit went stunningly well. First of all, she handled the whole visit brilliantly. For all her meltdowns before we left the house, she was calm and composed, and only fidgeted a little when they stuck a cotton swab up her nose to poke at things -- and honestly, wouldn't you? She cried a bit when the nurse went to arrange for photos of the inside of her nose, yes. But during her last visit to this office, the nurse left the room and came back with a gigantic pair of tweezers, which she used to pull a blackened battery out of Anya's nose. I wanted to cry myself. Otherwise, she was the picture of bravery.

The nurse was awesome. Great with both kids, and handled everything with grace and humor. Made what I'd expected to be a stressful visit almost...fun.

Then there was the diagnosis, or lack thereof. No cystic fibrosis test needed, because Anya has other nose issues. Namely, a hole in her septum. (That sound you hear is my stomach churning.) Most likely from the aforementioned battery. So they took a bunch of photos of her nasal passages and told us to treat her nose with good ol' Neosporin for a month, then come back. The hope is that the tissues will heal on their own.

I'm wondering if this won't also solve some of her sinus problems. Perhaps her issue is not so much allergy as structural malformation. I certainly wasn't looking forward to allergy testing, that's for sure. Dare I hope?

The ointment they gave us during the Battery Incident burned, Anya said. But she likes Neosporin. So I am hoping that a) she continues to like it when I have to put it up her nose twice a day, and b) it does what they want it to do.

For being such an amazingly brave girl, I treated Anya to Sonic. Didn't even make her finish her sandwich before she got an Oreo Blast, either. While we were there, a sweet man paid for our lunch. I've never had that happen before; it was really touching. We ate at the picnic tables and enjoyed the gorgeous weather. Anya chased birds. Kai napped until dessert, then happily sampled bites of my ice cream. 

This day could have gone very differently. But it didn't. I love it when that happens.